Oh chubby cheeked little boy, how you are missed.
December 30, 2008 Uncategorized
Two years ago this week, our family made the move to Tampa , Florida. The hubs was offered a fantastic job at a trauma hospital . It was an offer we could not turn down. We packed up and made the big move – across country – seriously. ACROSS . THE. UNITED STATES.
We thought this would be a fantastic move , a fresh start. You see, our family has been dealt a real blow. Our son, our sweet little chubby cheeked, smarty pants little man, lost his battle with cancer. The pain from this is hard to put into words – in fact, I don’t believe there are enough words to describe the immense pain a Mommy and Daddy’s heart feels from such a loss.
The hardest part of this move was leaving my brother and his family. My sister in law is my bff.. and the kids, they are my heart.
Sooo, the move was made. The job is and was well worth the move – however, our then 14 year old was miserable. We ripped him ( his words) out of the private school he had been attending from pre-k to half of 8th grade and threw him ( his words, again) into a new school, new people and a new life.
He hated it. He went from our outgoing son to a very unhappy, angry young man. In Washington state he was always the class clown, the popular and fun kid – in Tampa he was silent, made just a few friends and felt like he was not able to fit in. He tried out for Varsity basketball and , thank God – he made the team. Hubs and I were sure that would bring him around. That – the love of his life ( being basketball) did not do the trick.
This was his freshman year – a crucial year. Right before our eyes , we were losing another child – emotionally. My heart hurt so bad. I wanted to fix it for him , I wanted to just wrap him into me and hug on him. He wouldn’t even let me near him.. ever. I don’t think we really had a whole – heartfelt conversation that year at all. Seriously. So angry. SO very angry.
Moving fast forward here – the day that his school let out, he went to Washington state on a fishing trip with part of hubs family. We had planned on flying up 3 weeks later for the 4th of July week and the week after. I remember the look on our sons face when he saw us at the airport in Seattle.
He was smiling, and I am talking ear to friggin ear smile. He hugged me. HE WAS HAPPY TO SEE US!! I was sobbing on the inside, sobbing from happiness. Our son was back. My heart was elated.
The first moment alone with my hub , I shared with him I cried – how could I take our son back to Florida when I saw such a drastic and emotionally crucial difference in him? How could I put him back in a school where he was so angry, so withdrawn? Oh – and SO above, acadamically. He was an easy grade and a half above his peers. He was doing work he had done previous years. (unsure why the education system is so significantly behind in FL, compared to Washington state?)
So, our family is seperated – by choice. We’ve decided to have our 16 year old finish his education in the school that he attended prior. He is back with his friends, he is class president. He has a “girl” “friend”. He loves being back in Washington – he loves that he is still close to his friends and that being gone for a short time changed very little. (other than he grew a foot)
Bad news tho — I hate it. I hate being seperated like this as a family. Hubby is still in Florida – working at that fantastic job. I am mom and everything else to my son, in Washington state. Our family isn’t together and it sucks. Sure – I fly down to Florida and see my honey – but this is horrible. I need us all together – WE need us all together. Thank GOD for my family in Washington state – they keep me sane. Seriously.
Could my husband relocate to Washington state? Perhaps, but with the economy as bad as it is – it’s hard. Yes, we’ve put out a million resumes and there have been some hot leads, but – they end up cold. They hire within.
We are flying back to Florida in March – then back in June for the summer. Something has to change. .
I suppose what I am trying to say here is – we sacrificed so much for our sweet little man, dealing with his cancer and I wouldn’t have done it any other way. You sacrifice for your children, just as we are now, we are sacrificing for our older son – we are putting his emotional well being and educational needs in front of ours. I just feel like the grief of losing our 6 year old is so much more deep when we are not together.I feel like in a sense, I’m losing my family. I KNOW that I’m not – but it feels that way.
Am I being selfish when I say – I am tired? I am tired of feeling emotionally out of control?
Posted by Chrissi @ 2:47 pm | 2 Comments
