silence is golden..

May 27, 2009 duh, snarky

Facing the world

May 25, 2009 grief, this is me and heart

“It is not easy to live life some times and face the world with a smile when you are crying inside. It takes a lot of courage to reach down inside yourself, hold on to that strength that’s still there and know that tomorrow is a new day with new possibilities. But if you can just hold on long enough to see this through, you’ll come out a new person-stronger, with more understanding and with a new pride in yourself knowing you made it.”  Unknown

That quote just sums it all up.  I am emotionally struggling, just barely keeping my head above the water.  Drowning from the pain and heartache.

I hide it quite well.  Well, at least I assume I hide it well.  Maybe not and people are just afraid say anything ?

Heartache is so consuming. I am tired of people saying to me…

“Oh, it still hurts,really?”

“You haven’t moved on?”

“Isn’t it time you didn’t become so upset?”

“You still celebrate his birthday?”

I want to scream in the faces of these people. It used to break me.. Now?  I just become so angry. Explain to me how I am supposed to EVER just move on? Sure – each day is new day with new possibilities. Perhaps I won’t cry that day, but what if I do? Does that make me weak?

Grief has impacted our entire family – my husband deals with his grief in such a different manner, probably to protect me.  Our son? He  does not talk about his brother dying.. I hope someday he does. I worry about his heart the  most.

And now? With my husband living 3200 miles away , I feel that this roller coaster of emotions has triplicated by a gazillion. I’m hoping when he is relocated back to our area, some of this will subside. It’s terribly difficult to have such a huge part of your heart so far away.

My husband is my rock, my best friend, my always. I’m just not sure how much longer I can do this with out seriously cracking. I want to get to the point where I can look back and say – “Hey- I persevered through such hell in my life – look, I am stronger for it”.. Maybe I under estimate myself , but I feel I am SO far from that.

Sometimes…  it’s hard to face the world. Smile back at people or laugh when TRULY you are crying so hard on the inside .  I don’t want to feel this way, I so desperately want to go back to the way it was. The way it used to be. Our family, all together.  The four of us. Happy and healthy.

As much as I will it to go back to those days of happiness,  that will never be. Oh, I know there will be happy days ahead and there have been happy days since our little man went to heaven, I just WANT my family back.

I  just wish I knew why.. Why my son?

Until I am face to face with the Man above – I don’t think I will ever understand or know why.

hey hey you you

May 24, 2009 my bitchy self

I just can’t stand him..

The “him” being my best friends husband.

I can’t stand him, at all. He is selfish, obnoxious, bossy and a downright  rude prickish asshat to my best friend. I have tried talking to her about some of his unjustified comments but each time I do, there is always an excuse. Always.

I think I’m going to have to back away from this friendship and because of that,I feel so horrible.  When we are all together – he brings EVERYONE down unless all the attention is on him.

Recently he made that comment that I am rude, overbearing, opinionated , etc etc.   I totally bit my tongue, (which is quite hard for me to do) with him about his statement to me, however – honestly? It was the last straw.. I am SO done with this.

Am I wrong? Advice?

xoxoxo

Dear Colleen Hauser

May 23, 2009 Uncategorized

I am SO outraged by this story.

As much as I attempt to articulate how I feel – it’s hard to type through tears.  I apologize ahead of time for the broken post. .

Daniel is a 13 yo boy from Minnesota who was diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma in January. His parents, after only one round of chemo have decided to stop therapy and treat him themselves.  Not only that – his mother has fled with him, possibly out of the country.

OUT OF THE COUNTRY, peeps. To avoid getting her child the medical care that has been suggested.  That is needed.

As a Momma who fought the battle of childhood cancer, I have a strong opinion that many will not agree with.

I want to seriously have a word with Mother, face to face.  Heart to heart.

As parents, isn’t it our God given GIFT to do anything and everything for our children? It is our responsibility as parents to make the right choices for our children   In my opinion, these parents? They are killing their child.

If this goes untreated – he will surely die.

I have SO much more I want to say… However, my heart? It’s breaking. ..

This is very personal and close to my heart.. and I just don’t.. just really truly DO not understand what these parents of this sweet boy are thinking.

xoxo

look at the clouds

May 22, 2009 Uncategorized

The most important person in your life is the person in front of you at any given moment. The most important thing you could do with your life is to attend to the task at hand right now. And the most important time in your life is right now.

I think I need to slow down… enjoy what is around me… Take time to look up the clouds and just be.

Anyways

May 21, 2009 Uncategorized

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Life is too valuable and short. Do it anyway..

xoxoxo

Forever is as far as I’ll go…

May 20, 2009 grief

The loss of a child DOES and can have an impact on marriage.

As each parent tries to find some sense of comfort, some sense of balance after such a loss, it can lead to anger, anxiety and strain on a marriage. I believe this is because daddies and mommies grieve differently.

With grief come many emotions and one of the emotions that are shown is anger.

Usually, we Moms seem to be more vocal and open on how we are feeling about the death of our child and the dad folk seem to keep it bottled up and tend not to share as openly, for the reason that they feel they need to be the “caretaker” when a child dies.

The Dad’s tend to be the ones who make the funeral arrangements and other arrangements that need to be made; this sends the message out that he is “strong” and “in charge”, which in turn pushes the feelings of loss and anguish further down.

As a parent who has walked this with her own sweet husband, I know. I know how easily that wall goes up when the arrangements are being made. It’s easy to push the ones you love most, away – especially when you are hurting so terribly bad.

My husband and I pushed each other so far away, so far that we became strangers to one another for a time. Truth be told, one evening over dinner it all came crashing down, the blame, the guilt and the hurt came spewing out of our mouths and hearts. Here I was, on my knees begging God to bring our son back. I was screaming and yelling at my husband .. I looked up into his eyes and I saw nothing but LOVE staring back at me. Bobby reached down for my hand and helped me stand, he wrapped me into his arms and we both sobbed.

Mourning the loss of our son, together.

From that day on, we try to tell each other if we are having “Tyler” days. It is our code phrase for a day of overwhelming hurt in our hearts. We vowed to not push each other away but to grow closer in our marriage and that is exactly what we have done.

Here are a few suggestions to remember after the loss of your child:

• Hold tight to each other; remember that you LOVE each other, that this child was created out of your love.

• Talk to each other, LISTEN to each other, and take time for one another. Share and treasure the memories of your child, the happy times as a family are still in your heart, the love is there. CRY together, it is okay to cry, to scream and to be angry about your loss.

• Deals with issues as they happen, do not let them fester!

• Avoid the blame game. Remember, love, love, love that spouse.

• Take time for each other, alone and away from everything.

• Hold on to hope. You will survive, life will be forever changed however, but you will learn to breathe again.

• Grieve together and grieve apart. Join a bereavement group for parents together or separately.

In grief, you need to cry, scream and you DO need to be angry to heal and someday, someday you will eventually be able to laugh and dance again.

I wrote this article earlier this year and I keep going back to it. It doesn’t matter how long ago or how recent the loss is. If I can give ONE piece of advice.. Hold on to another.  HOLD ON. Don’t give up..