The Silent Grievers
June 30, 2009
I have been asked to share this.. This is something that I wrote this earlier in the year for 5 Minutes for Special Needs.
My desire is to have a website/blog for parents to come to and share their grief. Their innermost thoughts, fears, tears and all. Perhaps someday I will follow through with this . I have the vision – but the rest I will need help with. Someday?
When a child passes away, the pain for all is so hard to comprehend, especially for a sibling. We, as parents, have our own grief and our own pain and we tend to not be aware of what our children, the siblings may be feeling.
I know for our family that was very true.
I allowed myself to cry often, wherever and whenever. I would cry in the middle of the grocery store, at a stoplight, in the laundry room. Anywhere. I felt that my emotions and expression of grief should not be hidden and it also showed Zach that it was okay to be upset, mad and have your emotions take over. I also made sure that he saw me laugh and remember his brother in so many ways.
I often wonder if I was a good enough mom to Zach after Tyler passed away. Did I make sure he was okay? Did I answer the questions he had well enough? Could I have done better? Did I comfort him when he needed me? These questions lay upon my heart like a heavy burden.
Our Tyler left us too soon and how could I explain why to Zach when I had NO answers myself? I was so wrapped up in my heartbreak that at times I feel perhaps I could have been better and I feel guilty for this and I hope someday that Zachary will sit and talk with me about it.
We try so hard to bring Zach into our “Remembering Tyler” times. Certainly there are times he will share and there are times he closes up and refuses to share, and that’s acceptable. As he gets older, I believe he will share more and cherish the memories and help us keep them alive. Keep Tyler alive in our hearts and in his heart.
Shortly after Tyler passed away, I was cleaning the boys’ room, washing the walls and picking up toys. Zach came into the room and he instantly started to cry, it stopped me in my tracks as I heard Zach, in a panicked voice scream “Stop, Mom – stop washing Tyler’s fingerprints away!”
My heart sunk and I wrapped my arms around him and let him cry. I am so grateful he stopped me – I was thankful that my son remembered his brother in that manner. The fingerprints of his brother and the peanut butter and jelly gooey mess left on the bunk beds meant EVERYTHING to him. Just as we will always be Tyler’s Mommy and Daddy – Zach will always, ALWAYS be Tyler’s big brother. Nothing ever will take that away from him.
Ever.
Due to the confusion that the loss of their sibling brings, there will be no understanding of why their brother or sister was so quickly taken away from them.
Some ideas to help with the loss of a sibling:
• Do not deny them the opportunity to share. Remember together!
• Do not deny them the opportunity to cry and be mad; allow them to express their feelings just as we do ours.
• Remember to tell them how much their sibling loved them.
• Encourage them to create a memorial for their sibling. A garden memorial, letters, pictures or artwork is a great idea.
• Be honest with them, confusion and grief just don’t mix!
• Give lots and lots of love. They will be anxious and worried about their own life. They may ask “Will I die too”, and other questions that focus on their recent loss.
• Just like there is no time line for our grief, remember it’s the same for children. The roller coaster of grief is overwhelming for all.
Your children are the silent grievers, remember them in this journey.
July 1st, 2009 at 2:32 am
I’m not ready to read this.
Or talk.
But thank you for writing it.
Poppys last blog post..b-ing Chandler
July 1st, 2009 at 11:48 am
My kids are older than yours but the effect is still the same. I hope you do create that website. There are so many blogs I’ve found by grieving parents that are trying to understand this journey we are on.
rose coueys last blog post..Me and ??
July 2nd, 2009 at 7:19 am
I think the website would be great!
July 2nd, 2009 at 11:58 pm
My brother was 19, I was 20, so definitely different, but I do believe that yes, he will be able to talk about and be more comfortable (not sure that’s the word I want but it’s what’s coming to mind) with this…
((hugs)) to you all.
Tugs last blog post..Lube