and.. he left me..

September 29, 2009 marriage

I’ve always been pretty sure about myself – confident and I am usually the “go to person”..

Today though, I am putting one foot in front of the other.. I keep having to remind my self ” left.. right.. left, yep, that’s the way”..

Bobby left today.. He wants to give me time to “think”… And this makes me ANGRY. Why doesn’t he understand – as much as I try to work it out in my head and with him – we are just at a standstill.. Our marriage – at a standstill. I never EVER thought it would come to this.

I don’t feel sure about myself and I sure as hell don’t feel confident.I feel like I’m drowning in a sea of unknown and no matter how hard that I try to grab the life preserver and hold my head above water – I seem to be unable..

my heart.. it’s confused ..so confused

September 26, 2009 Uncategorized

I don’t even know how to start this. I’ve deleted many many words and sentences so far. .

I’m trying to work through a marriage that seems to be crumbling in front of me. When I think of our relationship – I picture  fall leaves, blowing in the wind and having no where to stop, just swirling around and around.

I’m scared.  I’m scared of loss. I want this to work but I feel like I am not trying hard enough to keep it going on my end.

We love differently .. and I can’t explain that .

I’ve changed and so has he. . We try to get back to what we were and.. in actuality – it tears us further apart the harder we try.

He reads this blog.. and I know my words will hurt him..

I just don’t know what more to do.. my heart.. it’s confused.

not letting me fall..

September 19, 2009 bloggity goodness, this is me and heart

Love this..

Thank you SO much for not letting me fall this week.

May they soar to heaven.. for Tyler .. and Maddie

September 15, 2009 grief, i love him, this is me and heart

For Ty..

….and Maddie

Like a rainbow
Fading in the twinkling of an eye
Gone too soon

My tears fill the ocean..

September 14, 2009 Uncategorized

Missing you so much..

Land that I love..

September 11, 2009 Uncategorized

We will always remember..

Dear Tyler { childhood cancer awareness}

September 8, 2009 cancer awareness, grief

Dear Tyler -

Mommy and Daddy miss you.. We miss our family of four being together..  We miss building legos towns and playing dinosaurs and reading Dr Seuss  “Green Eggs and Ham” over and over and over again with you. Snuggling on the couch just isn’t quite the same anymore..and your butterfly kisses .. oh how they are missed.

This is your “goodbye” month .  Oh sweetheart, It feels like just yesterday  that I kissed you and whispered in your ear, that I would see you again someday in Heaven..

My heart  hurts so bad tonight – not only for the loss of you – but for the loss of  many other children.  Cancer is a big ol’ meanie.. and it just needs to GO away! Remember that story ” Go Away Big Green Monster” ? Well, that’s how Momma feels!

My hopes – little man , is that someday soon they will find a cure for this horrible disease.  Truly – if we can send a man to the moon, why can’t we find a cure?

I will send balloons up to you next week – yellow balloons,  and a purple one for Maddie..

I miss you .. I love you.. and someday I will see you again..

Mommy

Sweet Dreams, little man..

September 2, 2009 cancer awareness, grief, this is me and heart

“Dragon tales and the “water is wide”
Pirate’s sail and lost boys fly
Fish bite moonbeams every night
And I love you”

That day is etched DEEP into my heart. SO deep into my soul. Friday night – 11:31pm.

“Dragon tales and the “water is wide”
Pirate’s sail and lost boys fly
Fish bite moonbeams every night
And I love you”

I remember kissing his chubby cheeks and praying – NO.. BEGGING God to take me instead. Why my son?? Why? He had the rest of his life to live and truly, I had lived a full life. I tried so hard not to cry while I was telling him how proud his Momma and Daddy and brother were of how brave he was being. I didn’t know I was crying until his Daddy leaned over the hospital bed and wiped my tears.

“Superman’s in pajamas on the couch
Goodnight moon, will find the mouse
And I love you”

Watching his brother lay his head on Tyler’s tummy..  We couldn’t fix it. Oh, we couldn’t make it better. The pain in our hearts were like knives.. cutting so deeply. Even more heart wrenching was watching our son, sob..and tell Tyler how much he loved him. I remember him saying to Tyler.. ” I will always love you.. you are the best little brother”. I instantly worried how to help mend his heart too. Was there a special glue or a bandaid? What was I going to do?

“The rocket racer’s all tuckered out
Superman’s in pajamas on the couch
Goodnight moon, will find the mouse
And I love you”

Watching his little body become so tired.. Mommy was begging for more time. Daddy was in the corner, praying. Pleading.

“God bless mommy and match box cars
God bless dad and thanks for the stars
God hears “Amen,” wherever we are
And I love you”

I remember our families  surrounding his bed.. Mommy and Daddy lying next to him. Singing “Baby Beluga” and “Jesus Loves Me”..praying..Everyone was holding hands and praying..I was so afraid, so scared and I felt SO very helpless.

“Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed, Godspeed, Godspeed
Sweet dreams”

Kissing our son goodbye and leaving .. I wasn’t supposed to be leaving without my son. He NEEDED me. I remember refusing to leave.. and yelling at the doctors.. screaming “please.. PLEASE do something”..My body shaking.. afraid to breathe.. My husband , my strong husband – on his knees, crying.

That night – we joined a club that we did not want a membership too. That night our hearts broke into a million pieces and we would NEVER be the same. Ever. Our circle – was broken.

NO child should have to suffer. Ever. PLEASE PLEASE help us raise the awareness to find a cure for childhood cancers.

*song by Dixie Chicks- you should listen to it someday..

His name is Dave – please support childhood cancer

September 1, 2009 cancer awareness, i love him, september, this is me and heart

His name is Dave.

He dontated HIS bonemarrow

To give our son a chance at life..

Won’t you do that too?  Be The Match

September is National Childhood Cancer Awareness month and I will do everything in my little heart to advocate for children and families who endure this diagnosis.

Please show your support and become a donor..