For Ty..
….and Maddie
Like a rainbow
Fading in the twinkling of an eye
Gone too soon
Dear Tyler -
Mommy and Daddy miss you.. We miss our family of four being together.. We miss building legos towns and playing dinosaurs and reading Dr Seuss “Green Eggs and Ham” over and over and over again with you. Snuggling on the couch just isn’t quite the same anymore..and your butterfly kisses .. oh how they are missed.
This is your “goodbye” month . Oh sweetheart, It feels like just yesterday that I kissed you and whispered in your ear, that I would see you again someday in Heaven..
My heart hurts so bad tonight – not only for the loss of you – but for the loss of many other children. Cancer is a big ol’ meanie.. and it just needs to GO away! Remember that story ” Go Away Big Green Monster” ? Well, that’s how Momma feels!
My hopes – little man , is that someday soon they will find a cure for this horrible disease. Truly – if we can send a man to the moon, why can’t we find a cure?
I will send balloons up to you next week – yellow balloons, and a purple one for Maddie..
I miss you .. I love you.. and someday I will see you again..
Mommy
“Dragon tales and the “water is wide”
Pirate’s sail and lost boys fly
Fish bite moonbeams every night
And I love you”
That day is etched DEEP into my heart. SO deep into my soul. Friday night – 11:31pm.
“Dragon tales and the “water is wide”
Pirate’s sail and lost boys fly
Fish bite moonbeams every night
And I love you”
I remember kissing his chubby cheeks and praying – NO.. BEGGING God to take me instead. Why my son?? Why? He had the rest of his life to live and truly, I had lived a full life. I tried so hard not to cry while I was telling him how proud his Momma and Daddy and brother were of how brave he was being. I didn’t know I was crying until his Daddy leaned over the hospital bed and wiped my tears.
“Superman’s in pajamas on the couch
Goodnight moon, will find the mouse
And I love you”
Watching his brother lay his head on Tyler’s tummy.. We couldn’t fix it. Oh, we couldn’t make it better. The pain in our hearts were like knives.. cutting so deeply. Even more heart wrenching was watching our son, sob..and tell Tyler how much he loved him. I remember him saying to Tyler.. ” I will always love you.. you are the best little brother”. I instantly worried how to help mend his heart too. Was there a special glue or a bandaid? What was I going to do?
“The rocket racer’s all tuckered out
Superman’s in pajamas on the couch
Goodnight moon, will find the mouse
And I love you”
Watching his little body become so tired.. Mommy was begging for more time. Daddy was in the corner, praying. Pleading.
“God bless mommy and match box cars
God bless dad and thanks for the stars
God hears “Amen,” wherever we are
And I love you”
I remember our families surrounding his bed.. Mommy and Daddy lying next to him. Singing “Baby Beluga” and “Jesus Loves Me”..praying..Everyone was holding hands and praying..I was so afraid, so scared and I felt SO very helpless.
“Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed, Godspeed, Godspeed
Sweet dreams”
Kissing our son goodbye and leaving .. I wasn’t supposed to be leaving without my son. He NEEDED me. I remember refusing to leave.. and yelling at the doctors.. screaming “please.. PLEASE do something”..My body shaking.. afraid to breathe.. My husband , my strong husband – on his knees, crying.
That night – we joined a club that we did not want a membership too. That night our hearts broke into a million pieces and we would NEVER be the same. Ever. Our circle – was broken.
NO child should have to suffer. Ever. PLEASE PLEASE help us raise the awareness to find a cure for childhood cancers.
*song by Dixie Chicks- you should listen to it someday..
This week has been a bit difficult for me. I have finally decided to go through Tyler’s things. His toys, his clothes – his everything. I went into this with a heavy heart, fearful of what I might find.
Our Tyler was a collector, he loved his matchbox cars and his beanie babies, he loved to collect the little things and put them in his pockets or his backpack. And of course, we gave into him, I believe he had just about every beanie baby possible and believe me, he would put every one either at the foot of his bed or in his backpack. I do believe he would be a little packrat to this day- if it wasn’t for being in Heaven.
Over the last 2 days, I have hugged and touched as many of Tyler’s things as I can. I have sat and closed my eyes , trying to remember everything. Trying to picture him playing with his little matchbox cars, or lining his beanie babies up in a perfect little row, all in their own little color coded way. I closed my eyes and tried to remember my boys playing together. Snuggling together and being the best brothers ever.
My heart – heavy but happy…
Box after box was gone through – toys set aside, clothes folded and put into piles, pictures put in a box to sort . Many MANY tears fell, I had to keep going though – I knew if I stopped it might be a while before I could do this again.. I was ready to have at least part of this behind me.. I will forever hurt – but I wanted my Tyler’s stuff OUT of storage, out of boxes.. I was SO ready
Until..
I opened a box.. THAT box.
I screamed – and started sobbing. There – inside that box was my laptop. The laptop I had during Tyler’s cancer treatment, during his 2 bonemarrow transplants. Through this journey of hell.
The laptop that has been missing – the laptop that has EVERY email update I sent home to family and friends, EVERY picture I took of my boys and our family. EVERY part of that journey was documented on that laptop. Including Tyler’s eulogy. .
I thought it was forever gone. I was sure that someone had stole it – or I had misplaced it.
Honestly, I had no idea what had happened to it -my guess, I truly think that someone packed it away – after Tyler died, thinking they were helping me by packing his stuff for us as we were getting ready to move from the hospital in Seattle to back home.
My heart – a big huge, ginormous part of my heart is on that computer.. I can’t wait to sit and read each email and look at all the pictures.
That laptop? Is the treasures of my heart.
I miss him everyday.. so so much.
xoxo
*someone (can’t remember who) sent this picture of Tyler to me..it had a halo over his head and that bothered me. The most awesome LeSombre fixed it for me – he’s my HERO of the day! Thank you so very much.
I have been asked to share this.. This is something that I wrote this earlier in the year for 5 Minutes for Special Needs.
My desire is to have a website/blog for parents to come to and share their grief. Their innermost thoughts, fears, tears and all. Perhaps someday I will follow through with this . I have the vision – but the rest I will need help with. Someday?
When a child passes away, the pain for all is so hard to comprehend, especially for a sibling. We, as parents, have our own grief and our own pain and we tend to not be aware of what our children, the siblings may be feeling.
I know for our family that was very true.
I allowed myself to cry often, wherever and whenever. I would cry in the middle of the grocery store, at a stoplight, in the laundry room. Anywhere. I felt that my emotions and expression of grief should not be hidden and it also showed Zach that it was okay to be upset, mad and have your emotions take over. I also made sure that he saw me laugh and remember his brother in so many ways.
I often wonder if I was a good enough mom to Zach after Tyler passed away. Did I make sure he was okay? Did I answer the questions he had well enough? Could I have done better? Did I comfort him when he needed me? These questions lay upon my heart like a heavy burden.
Our Tyler left us too soon and how could I explain why to Zach when I had NO answers myself? I was so wrapped up in my heartbreak that at times I feel perhaps I could have been better and I feel guilty for this and I hope someday that Zachary will sit and talk with me about it.
We try so hard to bring Zach into our “Remembering Tyler” times. Certainly there are times he will share and there are times he closes up and refuses to share, and that’s acceptable. As he gets older, I believe he will share more and cherish the memories and help us keep them alive. Keep Tyler alive in our hearts and in his heart.
Shortly after Tyler passed away, I was cleaning the boys’ room, washing the walls and picking up toys. Zach came into the room and he instantly started to cry, it stopped me in my tracks as I heard Zach, in a panicked voice scream “Stop, Mom – stop washing Tyler’s fingerprints away!”
My heart sunk and I wrapped my arms around him and let him cry. I am so grateful he stopped me – I was thankful that my son remembered his brother in that manner. The fingerprints of his brother and the peanut butter and jelly gooey mess left on the bunk beds meant EVERYTHING to him. Just as we will always be Tyler’s Mommy and Daddy – Zach will always, ALWAYS be Tyler’s big brother. Nothing ever will take that away from him.
Ever.
Due to the confusion that the loss of their sibling brings, there will be no understanding of why their brother or sister was so quickly taken away from them.
Some ideas to help with the loss of a sibling:
• Do not deny them the opportunity to share. Remember together!
• Do not deny them the opportunity to cry and be mad; allow them to express their feelings just as we do ours.
• Remember to tell them how much their sibling loved them.
• Encourage them to create a memorial for their sibling. A garden memorial, letters, pictures or artwork is a great idea.
• Be honest with them, confusion and grief just don’t mix!
• Give lots and lots of love. They will be anxious and worried about their own life. They may ask “Will I die too”, and other questions that focus on their recent loss.
• Just like there is no time line for our grief, remember it’s the same for children. The roller coaster of grief is overwhelming for all.
Your children are the silent grievers, remember them in this journey.
Father’s Day is a toughie in our house – it’s a day that reminds my sweet husband of mine that there is a little man who won’t be climbing in bed with us in the morning to snuggle – wishing his Daddy a Happy Father’s Day.. and singing at the TOP of his lungs.
I will try to do my very best to make today special. I will kiss my husbands tears away and remind him of the most awesome times as a family! I will remind him that our oldest needs him today too.
I will also be thinking about NYC Watchdog (Poppy too) My heart is with you….
“It is not easy to live life some times and face the world with a smile when you are crying inside. It takes a lot of courage to reach down inside yourself, hold on to that strength that’s still there and know that tomorrow is a new day with new possibilities. But if you can just hold on long enough to see this through, you’ll come out a new person-stronger, with more understanding and with a new pride in yourself knowing you made it.” Unknown
That quote just sums it all up. I am emotionally struggling, just barely keeping my head above the water. Drowning from the pain and heartache.
I hide it quite well. Well, at least I assume I hide it well. Maybe not and people are just afraid say anything ?
Heartache is so consuming. I am tired of people saying to me…
“Oh, it still hurts,really?”
“You haven’t moved on?”
“Isn’t it time you didn’t become so upset?”
“You still celebrate his birthday?”
I want to scream in the faces of these people. It used to break me.. Now? I just become so angry. Explain to me how I am supposed to EVER just move on? Sure – each day is new day with new possibilities. Perhaps I won’t cry that day, but what if I do? Does that make me weak?
Grief has impacted our entire family – my husband deals with his grief in such a different manner, probably to protect me. Our son? He does not talk about his brother dying.. I hope someday he does. I worry about his heart the most.
And now? With my husband living 3200 miles away , I feel that this roller coaster of emotions has triplicated by a gazillion. I’m hoping when he is relocated back to our area, some of this will subside. It’s terribly difficult to have such a huge part of your heart so far away.
My husband is my rock, my best friend, my always. I’m just not sure how much longer I can do this with out seriously cracking. I want to get to the point where I can look back and say – “Hey- I persevered through such hell in my life – look, I am stronger for it”.. Maybe I under estimate myself , but I feel I am SO far from that.
Sometimes… it’s hard to face the world. Smile back at people or laugh when TRULY you are crying so hard on the inside . I don’t want to feel this way, I so desperately want to go back to the way it was. The way it used to be. Our family, all together. The four of us. Happy and healthy.
As much as I will it to go back to those days of happiness, that will never be. Oh, I know there will be happy days ahead and there have been happy days since our little man went to heaven, I just WANT my family back.
I just wish I knew why.. Why my son?
Until I am face to face with the Man above – I don’t think I will ever understand or know why.
The loss of a child DOES and can have an impact on marriage.
As each parent tries to find some sense of comfort, some sense of balance after such a loss, it can lead to anger, anxiety and strain on a marriage. I believe this is because daddies and mommies grieve differently.
With grief come many emotions and one of the emotions that are shown is anger.
Usually, we Moms seem to be more vocal and open on how we are feeling about the death of our child and the dad folk seem to keep it bottled up and tend not to share as openly, for the reason that they feel they need to be the “caretaker” when a child dies.
The Dad’s tend to be the ones who make the funeral arrangements and other arrangements that need to be made; this sends the message out that he is “strong” and “in charge”, which in turn pushes the feelings of loss and anguish further down.
As a parent who has walked this with her own sweet husband, I know. I know how easily that wall goes up when the arrangements are being made. It’s easy to push the ones you love most, away – especially when you are hurting so terribly bad.
My husband and I pushed each other so far away, so far that we became strangers to one another for a time. Truth be told, one evening over dinner it all came crashing down, the blame, the guilt and the hurt came spewing out of our mouths and hearts. Here I was, on my knees begging God to bring our son back. I was screaming and yelling at my husband .. I looked up into his eyes and I saw nothing but LOVE staring back at me. Bobby reached down for my hand and helped me stand, he wrapped me into his arms and we both sobbed.
Mourning the loss of our son, together.
From that day on, we try to tell each other if we are having “Tyler” days. It is our code phrase for a day of overwhelming hurt in our hearts. We vowed to not push each other away but to grow closer in our marriage and that is exactly what we have done.
Here are a few suggestions to remember after the loss of your child:
• Hold tight to each other; remember that you LOVE each other, that this child was created out of your love.
• Talk to each other, LISTEN to each other, and take time for one another. Share and treasure the memories of your child, the happy times as a family are still in your heart, the love is there. CRY together, it is okay to cry, to scream and to be angry about your loss.
• Deals with issues as they happen, do not let them fester!
• Avoid the blame game. Remember, love, love, love that spouse.
• Take time for each other, alone and away from everything.
• Hold on to hope. You will survive, life will be forever changed however, but you will learn to breathe again.
• Grieve together and grieve apart. Join a bereavement group for parents together or separately.
In grief, you need to cry, scream and you DO need to be angry to heal and someday, someday you will eventually be able to laugh and dance again.
I wrote this article earlier this year and I keep going back to it. It doesn’t matter how long ago or how recent the loss is. If I can give ONE piece of advice.. Hold on to another. HOLD ON. Don’t give up..
This week at 5 minutes for special needs, I was honored to be able to write a post that came from the deepest parts of my heart.The part that hurts the most and reminds me daily of who I am.
Whether this affects you personally or you know someone who has lost a child, please – PLEASE take time to read this.
I hope to continue to write, I love it – am I good at it? No, probably not. However, I know that I am able to share my heart and within that perhaps I can touch at least one heart along the way.
So please. Go read it ! Oh, and input – would be GREAT.
