i have the words..
the words inside my head and heart are stuck. I feel like I have SO much I need to write about . Death, loss, the holidays – it’s all stuck – just RIGHT there in between my heart and my mind..
I’m hoping that if I sit long enough it will all just flow out..
xoxo
ps.. isn’t the new look just lovely? Karen from Swank Webstyle and the infamous Shuggypants done did it for me..
Posted by Chrissi @
4:11 pm |
May they soar to heaven.. for Tyler .. and Maddie
For Ty..
….and Maddie
Like a rainbow
Fading in the twinkling of an eye
Gone too soon
Posted by Chrissi @
10:17 pm |
His name is Dave – please support childhood cancer
His name is Dave.
He dontated HIS bonemarrow
To give our son a chance at life..
Won’t you do that too? Be The Match
September is National Childhood Cancer Awareness month and I will do everything in my little heart to advocate for children and families who endure this diagnosis.
Please show your support and become a donor..
Posted by Chrissi @
7:37 pm |
So long… farewell…
In just a few short HOURS, our family will be moving across country from Tampa, Florida to just east of Seattle, Washington.
Crazy you say? Well , it’s just about 3200 miles – in a moving van , together ,for 5 days. Indeed , crazy – but very worth it.
Two years ago, our family made the move to Tampa , Florida. The hubs was offered a fantastic job at a trauma hospital . It was an offer we could not turn down. We packed up and made the big move – across country – seriously. ACROSS . THE. UNITED STATES.
We thought this would be a fantastic move , a fresh start. You see, our family has been dealt a real blow. Our youngest son, our sweet little chubby cheeked, smarty pants little man, lost his battle with cancer. The pain from this is hard to put into words – in fact, I don’t believe there are enough words to describe the immense pain a Mommy and Daddy’s heart feels from such a loss.
Sooo, the move was made. The job is and was well worth the move – however, our then 14 year old was miserable. We ripped him ( his words) out of the private school he had been attending from pre-k to half of 8th grade and threw him ( his words, again) into a new school, new people and a new life.
He hated it. He went from our outgoing son to a very unhappy, angry young man. In Washington state he was always the class clown, the popular and fun kid – in Tampa he was silent, made just a few friends and felt like he was not able to fit in. He tried out for varsity basketball and , thank God – he made the team. Hubs and I were sure that would bring him around. Even that, the true love of his life ( being basketball) did not do the trick.
This was his freshman year – a crucial year. Right before our eyes , we were losing another child – emotionally. My heart hurt so bad. I wanted to fix it for him , I wanted to just wrap him into me and hug on him. He wouldn’t let me near him.. ever. I don’t think we really had a whole heartfelt conversation that year at all. Seriously. So angry. SO very angry.
Moving fast forward here – the day that his school let out for summer vacation, he went to Washington state on a fishing trip with my husbands family. We had planned on flying up 3 weeks later for the 4th of July weekend to spend time with our Washington family.
I will never forget our son, greeting us at the aiport. NEVER will that image leave my heart.. and mind. He was smiling, and I am talking ear to ear smile. He hugged me. HE WAS HAPPY TO SEE US!! I was sobbing on the inside, sobbing from happiness. Our son was back. My heart was elated.
The first moment alone with my hub , I shared with him and I cried – how could I take our son back to Florida when I saw such a drastic and emotionally crucial difference in him? How could I put him back in a school where he was so angry, so withdrawn? Oh – and SO above, academically. He was an easy grade and a half above his peers. He was doing work he had done previous years.
Our family has been separated – by choice, for a year. We were SURE that my husband would have been able to relocate within a few months of our son and I moving back “home”.
However, the economy had other plans and we’ve been kept apart. Living apart – parenting apart . Difficult yet very worth making the sacrifice for our son.
After many resumes and a few interviews – my husband WILL be relocating back to Washington state. Finally – back together.
I will be blogging our journey – the hotels we stay in and the sites that we see along the way.
3200 miles of a journey, so very worth doing.
Posted by Chrissi @
8:58 pm |
the treasures of my heart
This week has been a bit difficult for me. I have finally decided to go through Tyler’s things. His toys, his clothes – his everything. I went into this with a heavy heart, fearful of what I might find.
Our Tyler was a collector, he loved his matchbox cars and his beanie babies, he loved to collect the little things and put them in his pockets or his backpack. And of course, we gave into him, I believe he had just about every beanie baby possible and believe me, he would put every one either at the foot of his bed or in his backpack. I do believe he would be a little packrat to this day- if it wasn’t for being in Heaven.
Over the last 2 days, I have hugged and touched as many of Tyler’s things as I can. I have sat and closed my eyes , trying to remember everything. Trying to picture him playing with his little matchbox cars, or lining his beanie babies up in a perfect little row, all in their own little color coded way. I closed my eyes and tried to remember my boys playing together. Snuggling together and being the best brothers ever.
My heart – heavy but happy…
Box after box was gone through – toys set aside, clothes folded and put into piles, pictures put in a box to sort . Many MANY tears fell, I had to keep going though – I knew if I stopped it might be a while before I could do this again.. I was ready to have at least part of this behind me.. I will forever hurt – but I wanted my Tyler’s stuff OUT of storage, out of boxes.. I was SO ready
Until..
I opened a box.. THAT box.
I screamed – and started sobbing. There – inside that box was my laptop. The laptop I had during Tyler’s cancer treatment, during his 2 bonemarrow transplants. Through this journey of hell.
The laptop that has been missing – the laptop that has EVERY email update I sent home to family and friends, EVERY picture I took of my boys and our family. EVERY part of that journey was documented on that laptop. Including Tyler’s eulogy. .
I thought it was forever gone. I was sure that someone had stole it – or I had misplaced it.
Honestly, I had no idea what had happened to it -my guess, I truly think that someone packed it away – after Tyler died, thinking they were helping me by packing his stuff for us as we were getting ready to move from the hospital in Seattle to back home.
My heart – a big huge, ginormous part of my heart is on that computer.. I can’t wait to sit and read each email and look at all the pictures.
That laptop? Is the treasures of my heart.
I miss him everyday.. so so much.
xoxo
*someone (can’t remember who) sent this picture of Tyler to me..it had a halo over his head and that bothered me. The most awesome LeSombre fixed it for me – he’s my HERO of the day! Thank you so very much.
Posted by Chrissi @
12:34 pm |
stubborn much?
Great news – the hubz will be moving back to Washington state. He was officially offered the job last Thursday. For that I am SO happy and thankful for.
Recap: We’ve been living apart for the last year – with occasional visits to either Florida or Washington. Those visits were amazing, emotional and we were unsure of the future. Was I moving back to Florida or was he moving to Washington? We just did not know. .
Current: We just spent the last two weeks together – trying to adapt again. Even though we’ve been married FOREVER, it was quite the eye opener. Very obvious that we have been independent for the last 12 months. Quite frankly, while I enjoyed our time together part of me was extremely sad that the separation has changed “US”. Us as a married couple and as parents.
In all honesty – a small part of me is concerned of the readjustment of living back as a family. I felt like part of me was ripped away in the sense that I became both Mom and DAD – the decision maker, etc. The biggest challenge I see? We are both SO stubborn. I mean STUBBORN.
It was difficult to put him on the plane for Florida this morning but my heart hurts more because I feel that we have changed SO much.
That? Worries me…
xoxoxo
Posted by Chrissi @
10:22 pm |
Weekend of goodbyes
Well.. in just 24 hours I will be leaving to take the hubs to Seattle – he flies out early monday morning. Back to Florida he goes, for another month and then BACK HOME, baby!
Goodbyes suck… Yes, I’m a big girl. And yes, I’ll be okay. But in the meantime, it sucks.
I’ll post again after I stop being such a blubbering mess..
xoxoxo
Posted by Chrissi @
3:13 pm |
Happy Happy Heart
The end of July – my sweet hubs is moving from here
Back home to here.. Finally. A year living apart SUCKED. Badly. 
My heart? It’s a happy one..
Posted by Chrissi @
7:22 pm |
Thinking about the PuppyMonster and my darlin’ hubz too..
Father’s Day is a toughie in our house – it’s a day that reminds my sweet husband of mine that there is a little man who won’t be climbing in bed with us in the morning to snuggle – wishing his Daddy a Happy Father’s Day.. and singing at the TOP of his lungs.
I will try to do my very best to make today special. I will kiss my husbands tears away and remind him of the most awesome times as a family! I will remind him that our oldest needs him today too.
I will also be thinking about NYC Watchdog (Poppy too) My heart is with you….
Posted by Chrissi @
1:00 pm |
Dear Tyler
Dear Tyler,
I sure miss you today. I have been thinking so much about you lately. Especially at the end of the school year. I wonder if you would like school or be the social butterfly you always were…
It just seems like yesterday that Momma, Daddy and Z kissed you goodbye.
Oh, baby – how Mommy wishes that she could have taken your spot. I begged and pleaded with God to just take me instead. You were just a sweet little chubby cheeked 6 year old with so much life left. I remember singing in your ear that last night.. Wanting that moment to last forever..if only.
You had such an impact on so many people in our community. I run into people still who remember you from the newspaper articles and the stories on the news. I truly believe that in your short six years, you touched more lives than I have in my 30ish years.In fact, I know you have. I am so proud to be your Momma.
I hope Mommy , Daddy and Z are making you proud.
Our hearts hurt so badly.. We are keeping your memory alive by talking about you to anyone who will listen, by looking at pictures and remembering the happy times,the times where we laughed so hard, the times where we snuggled close and read a story and the times that we wanted to just last forever and ever.
Oh baby.. I want to hold you again. I want to sing Baby Beluga with you. I want to build a lego town and make funny stories about the people in our town . If only we could watch Land Before Time just ONE more time. I want you to give me those sweet delicious smoochies and the soft butterfly kisses. . just one more time.
If only I could hear you say Mommy… just one more time.
I love you and miss you to the moon and back.
Always and forever,
Momma
Posted by Chrissi @
12:01 pm |
