i have the words..

December 22, 2009 i love him, this is me and heart

the words inside my head and heart are stuck. I feel like I have SO much I need to write about . Death, loss, the holidays – it’s all stuck – just RIGHT there in between  my heart and my mind..

I’m hoping that if I sit long enough it will all just flow out..

xoxo

ps.. isn’t the new look just lovely? Karen from Swank Webstyle and the infamous Shuggypants done did it for me..

my heart.. it’s confused ..so confused

September 26, 2009 Uncategorized

I don’t even know how to start this. I’ve deleted many many words and sentences so far. .

I’m trying to work through a marriage that seems to be crumbling in front of me. When I think of our relationship – I picture  fall leaves, blowing in the wind and having no where to stop, just swirling around and around.

I’m scared.  I’m scared of loss. I want this to work but I feel like I am not trying hard enough to keep it going on my end.

We love differently .. and I can’t explain that .

I’ve changed and so has he. . We try to get back to what we were and.. in actuality – it tears us further apart the harder we try.

He reads this blog.. and I know my words will hurt him..

I just don’t know what more to do.. my heart.. it’s confused.

Sweet Dreams, little man..

September 2, 2009 cancer awareness, grief, this is me and heart

“Dragon tales and the “water is wide”
Pirate’s sail and lost boys fly
Fish bite moonbeams every night
And I love you”

That day is etched DEEP into my heart. SO deep into my soul. Friday night – 11:31pm.

“Dragon tales and the “water is wide”
Pirate’s sail and lost boys fly
Fish bite moonbeams every night
And I love you”

I remember kissing his chubby cheeks and praying – NO.. BEGGING God to take me instead. Why my son?? Why? He had the rest of his life to live and truly, I had lived a full life. I tried so hard not to cry while I was telling him how proud his Momma and Daddy and brother were of how brave he was being. I didn’t know I was crying until his Daddy leaned over the hospital bed and wiped my tears.

“Superman’s in pajamas on the couch
Goodnight moon, will find the mouse
And I love you”

Watching his brother lay his head on Tyler’s tummy..  We couldn’t fix it. Oh, we couldn’t make it better. The pain in our hearts were like knives.. cutting so deeply. Even more heart wrenching was watching our son, sob..and tell Tyler how much he loved him. I remember him saying to Tyler.. ” I will always love you.. you are the best little brother”. I instantly worried how to help mend his heart too. Was there a special glue or a bandaid? What was I going to do?

“The rocket racer’s all tuckered out
Superman’s in pajamas on the couch
Goodnight moon, will find the mouse
And I love you”

Watching his little body become so tired.. Mommy was begging for more time. Daddy was in the corner, praying. Pleading.

“God bless mommy and match box cars
God bless dad and thanks for the stars
God hears “Amen,” wherever we are
And I love you”

I remember our families  surrounding his bed.. Mommy and Daddy lying next to him. Singing “Baby Beluga” and “Jesus Loves Me”..praying..Everyone was holding hands and praying..I was so afraid, so scared and I felt SO very helpless.

“Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed, Godspeed, Godspeed
Sweet dreams”

Kissing our son goodbye and leaving .. I wasn’t supposed to be leaving without my son. He NEEDED me. I remember refusing to leave.. and yelling at the doctors.. screaming “please.. PLEASE do something”..My body shaking.. afraid to breathe.. My husband , my strong husband – on his knees, crying.

That night – we joined a club that we did not want a membership too. That night our hearts broke into a million pieces and we would NEVER be the same. Ever. Our circle – was broken.

NO child should have to suffer. Ever. PLEASE PLEASE help us raise the awareness to find a cure for childhood cancers.

*song by Dixie Chicks- you should listen to it someday..

sitting down and crying

July 24, 2009 mean people, moving sucks, this is me and heart

Today I just want to sit down and cry.

I was supposed to leave for Florida on Sunday..

Due to a serious scheduling conflict I am not leaving until Wednesday.. LATE Wednesday

and… We are packing the uhaul and heading back to Washington on Thursday morning..

Dealing with the people at www.orbitz.com was HORRIBLE.

I will never use them as an online ticket agent EVER again. DO YOU HEAR ME, ORBITZ? NEVER AGAIN.

They made me cry.. and really? That’s a hard thing to do.

I won’t be able to meet up with  the sweet girls that I had planned on meeting .

I won’t be able to stop in at the school I taught at and catch up with those girls.

I won’t be able to stock up on the yummy cuban food ( nom nom)

Overwhelmed and it sucks.

the treasures of my heart

July 7, 2009 grief, i love him, this is me and heart

This week has been a bit difficult for me. I have finally decided to go through Tyler’s things.  His toys, his clothes – his everything. I went into this with a heavy heart, fearful of what I might find.

Our Tyler was a collector, he loved his matchbox cars and his beanie babies, he loved to collect the little things and put them in his pockets or his backpack.  And of course, we gave into him, I believe he had just about every beanie baby possible and believe me, he would put every one either at the foot of his bed or in his backpack.  I do believe he would be a little packrat to this day- if it wasn’t for being in Heaven.

Over the last 2 days, I have hugged and touched as many of Tyler’s things as I can. I have sat and closed my eyes , trying to remember everything. Trying to picture him playing with his little matchbox cars, or lining his beanie babies up in a perfect little row, all in their own little color coded way.  I closed my eyes and tried to remember my boys playing together. Snuggling together and being the best brothers ever.

My heart – heavy but happy…

Box after box was gone through – toys set aside, clothes folded and put into piles, pictures put in a box to sort .  Many MANY tears fell, I had to keep going though – I knew if I stopped it might be a while before I could do this again..  I was ready to have at least part of this behind me.. I will forever hurt – but I wanted my Tyler’s stuff OUT of storage, out of boxes.. I was SO ready

Until..

I opened a box.. THAT box.

I screamed – and started sobbing. There – inside that box was my laptop. The laptop I had during Tyler’s cancer treatment, during his 2 bonemarrow transplants. Through this journey of hell.

The laptop that has been missing – the laptop that has EVERY email update I sent home to family and friends, EVERY picture I took of my boys and our family. EVERY part of that journey was documented on that laptop. Including Tyler’s eulogy. .

I thought it was forever gone. I was sure that someone had stole it – or I had misplaced it.

Honestly, I had no idea what had happened to it -my guess, I truly think that someone packed it away – after Tyler died, thinking they were helping me by packing his stuff for us as we were getting ready to move  from the hospital in Seattle to back home.

My heart – a big huge, ginormous part of my heart is on that computer.. I can’t wait to sit and read each email and look at all the pictures.
That laptop? Is the treasures of my heart.

I miss him everyday.. so so much.

xoxo

*someone (can’t remember who) sent this picture of Tyler to me..it had a halo over his head and that bothered me. The most awesome LeSombre fixed it for me – he’s my HERO of the day! Thank you so very much.

The Silent Grievers

June 30, 2009 Uncategorized, grief, this is me and heart

I have been asked to share this.. This is something that I wrote this earlier in the year for 5 Minutes for Special Needs.

My desire is to have a website/blog for parents to come to and share their grief. Their innermost thoughts, fears, tears and all. Perhaps someday I will follow through with this . I have the vision – but the rest I will need help with. Someday?

When a child passes away, the pain for all is so hard to comprehend, especially for a sibling. We, as parents, have our own grief and our own pain and we tend to not be aware of what our children, the siblings may be feeling.

I know for our family that was very true.

I allowed myself to cry often, wherever and whenever. I would cry in the middle of the grocery store, at a stoplight, in the laundry room. Anywhere. I felt that my emotions and expression of grief should not be hidden and it also showed Zach that it was okay to be upset, mad and have your emotions take over. I also made sure that he saw me laugh and remember his brother in so many ways.

I often wonder if I was a good enough mom to Zach after Tyler passed away. Did I make sure he was okay? Did I answer the questions he had well enough? Could I have done better? Did I comfort him when he needed me? These questions lay upon my heart like a heavy burden.

Our Tyler left us too soon and how could I explain why to Zach when I had NO answers myself? I was so wrapped up in my heartbreak that at times I feel perhaps I could have been better and I feel guilty for this and I hope someday that Zachary will sit and talk with me about it.

We try so hard to bring Zach into our “Remembering Tyler” times. Certainly there are times he will share and there are times he closes up and refuses to share, and that’s acceptable. As he gets older, I believe he will share more and cherish the memories and help us keep them alive. Keep Tyler alive in our hearts and in his heart.

Shortly after Tyler passed away, I was cleaning the boys’ room, washing the walls and picking up toys. Zach came into the room and he instantly started to cry, it stopped me in my tracks as I heard Zach, in a panicked voice scream “Stop, Mom – stop washing Tyler’s fingerprints away!”

My heart sunk and I wrapped my arms around him and let him cry. I am so grateful he stopped me – I was thankful that my son remembered his brother in that manner. The fingerprints of his brother and the peanut butter and jelly gooey mess left on the bunk beds meant EVERYTHING to him. Just as we will always be Tyler’s Mommy and Daddy – Zach will always, ALWAYS be Tyler’s big brother. Nothing ever will take that away from him.

Ever.

Due to the confusion that the loss of their sibling brings, there will be no understanding of why their brother or sister was so quickly taken away from them.

Some ideas to help with the loss of a sibling:

• Do not deny them the opportunity to share. Remember together!

• Do not deny them the opportunity to cry and be mad; allow them to express their feelings just as we do ours.

• Remember to tell them how much their sibling loved them.

• Encourage them to create a memorial for their sibling. A garden memorial, letters, pictures or artwork is a great idea.

• Be honest with them, confusion and grief just don’t mix!

• Give lots and lots of love. They will be anxious and worried about their own life. They may ask “Will I die too”, and other questions that focus on their recent loss.

• Just like there is no time line for our grief, remember it’s the same for children. The roller coaster of grief is overwhelming for all.

Your children are the silent grievers, remember them in this journey.

Weekend of goodbyes

June 27, 2009 i love him, this is me and heart

Well.. in just 24 hours I will be leaving to take the hubs to Seattle – he flies out early monday morning. Back to Florida he goes, for another month and then BACK HOME, baby!

Goodbyes suck… Yes, I’m a big girl. And yes, I’ll be okay. But in the meantime, it sucks.

I’ll post again after I stop being such a blubbering  mess..

xoxoxo

Don’t cry…

June 22, 2009 bloggity goodness

I TOTALLY love this site… having a bad day? Wanna cry, scream, kick someone? Go read spend some time on this site.. seriously