i have the words..

December 22, 2009 i love him, this is me and heart

the words inside my head and heart are stuck. I feel like I have SO much I need to write about . Death, loss, the holidays – it’s all stuck – just RIGHT there in between  my heart and my mind..

I’m hoping that if I sit long enough it will all just flow out..

xoxo

ps.. isn’t the new look just lovely? Karen from Swank Webstyle and the infamous Shuggypants done did it for me..

and.. he left me..

September 29, 2009 marriage

I’ve always been pretty sure about myself – confident and I am usually the “go to person”..

Today though, I am putting one foot in front of the other.. I keep having to remind my self ” left.. right.. left, yep, that’s the way”..

Bobby left today.. He wants to give me time to “think”… And this makes me ANGRY. Why doesn’t he understand – as much as I try to work it out in my head and with him – we are just at a standstill.. Our marriage – at a standstill. I never EVER thought it would come to this.

I don’t feel sure about myself and I sure as hell don’t feel confident.I feel like I’m drowning in a sea of unknown and no matter how hard that I try to grab the life preserver and hold my head above water – I seem to be unable..

May they soar to heaven.. for Tyler .. and Maddie

September 15, 2009 grief, i love him, this is me and heart

For Ty..

….and Maddie

Like a rainbow
Fading in the twinkling of an eye
Gone too soon

Dear Tyler { childhood cancer awareness}

September 8, 2009 cancer awareness, grief

Dear Tyler -

Mommy and Daddy miss you.. We miss our family of four being together..  We miss building legos towns and playing dinosaurs and reading Dr Seuss  “Green Eggs and Ham” over and over and over again with you. Snuggling on the couch just isn’t quite the same anymore..and your butterfly kisses .. oh how they are missed.

This is your “goodbye” month .  Oh sweetheart, It feels like just yesterday  that I kissed you and whispered in your ear, that I would see you again someday in Heaven..

My heart  hurts so bad tonight – not only for the loss of you – but for the loss of  many other children.  Cancer is a big ol’ meanie.. and it just needs to GO away! Remember that story ” Go Away Big Green Monster” ? Well, that’s how Momma feels!

My hopes – little man , is that someday soon they will find a cure for this horrible disease.  Truly – if we can send a man to the moon, why can’t we find a cure?

I will send balloons up to you next week – yellow balloons,  and a purple one for Maddie..

I miss you .. I love you.. and someday I will see you again..

Mommy

Sweet Dreams, little man..

September 2, 2009 cancer awareness, grief, this is me and heart

“Dragon tales and the “water is wide”
Pirate’s sail and lost boys fly
Fish bite moonbeams every night
And I love you”

That day is etched DEEP into my heart. SO deep into my soul. Friday night – 11:31pm.

“Dragon tales and the “water is wide”
Pirate’s sail and lost boys fly
Fish bite moonbeams every night
And I love you”

I remember kissing his chubby cheeks and praying – NO.. BEGGING God to take me instead. Why my son?? Why? He had the rest of his life to live and truly, I had lived a full life. I tried so hard not to cry while I was telling him how proud his Momma and Daddy and brother were of how brave he was being. I didn’t know I was crying until his Daddy leaned over the hospital bed and wiped my tears.

“Superman’s in pajamas on the couch
Goodnight moon, will find the mouse
And I love you”

Watching his brother lay his head on Tyler’s tummy..  We couldn’t fix it. Oh, we couldn’t make it better. The pain in our hearts were like knives.. cutting so deeply. Even more heart wrenching was watching our son, sob..and tell Tyler how much he loved him. I remember him saying to Tyler.. ” I will always love you.. you are the best little brother”. I instantly worried how to help mend his heart too. Was there a special glue or a bandaid? What was I going to do?

“The rocket racer’s all tuckered out
Superman’s in pajamas on the couch
Goodnight moon, will find the mouse
And I love you”

Watching his little body become so tired.. Mommy was begging for more time. Daddy was in the corner, praying. Pleading.

“God bless mommy and match box cars
God bless dad and thanks for the stars
God hears “Amen,” wherever we are
And I love you”

I remember our families  surrounding his bed.. Mommy and Daddy lying next to him. Singing “Baby Beluga” and “Jesus Loves Me”..praying..Everyone was holding hands and praying..I was so afraid, so scared and I felt SO very helpless.

“Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed, Godspeed, Godspeed
Sweet dreams”

Kissing our son goodbye and leaving .. I wasn’t supposed to be leaving without my son. He NEEDED me. I remember refusing to leave.. and yelling at the doctors.. screaming “please.. PLEASE do something”..My body shaking.. afraid to breathe.. My husband , my strong husband – on his knees, crying.

That night – we joined a club that we did not want a membership too. That night our hearts broke into a million pieces and we would NEVER be the same. Ever. Our circle – was broken.

NO child should have to suffer. Ever. PLEASE PLEASE help us raise the awareness to find a cure for childhood cancers.

*song by Dixie Chicks- you should listen to it someday..

Together we CAN do so much – National Childhood Cancer Awareness

August 31, 2009 Uncategorized, cancer awareness, september, this is me and heart

My child was diagnosed at 15 months with leukemia.

My child had 2 bonemarrow transplants

My child fought a hard battle – and sadly lost the battle.

WE CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE.  Kids can not do this alone. Parents can not do this alone.  PLEASE help us advocate for our children.
Cancer knows NO boundaries.

These children deserve a cure – my child deserved a cure – PLEASE help.

Are you wondering just how you can help?

Bring awareness by asking your school to recognize the month of September as National Childhood Cancer Awareness month, wear a gold ribbon, showing your support. Contact the media and encourage them to do a story on cancer awareness.

We can make a difference!

Do it for the children..

Through out this month I will share Tyler’s diagnosis and journey with his battle with cancer. Our families battle with grief..

the treasures of my heart

July 7, 2009 grief, i love him, this is me and heart

This week has been a bit difficult for me. I have finally decided to go through Tyler’s things.  His toys, his clothes – his everything. I went into this with a heavy heart, fearful of what I might find.

Our Tyler was a collector, he loved his matchbox cars and his beanie babies, he loved to collect the little things and put them in his pockets or his backpack.  And of course, we gave into him, I believe he had just about every beanie baby possible and believe me, he would put every one either at the foot of his bed or in his backpack.  I do believe he would be a little packrat to this day- if it wasn’t for being in Heaven.

Over the last 2 days, I have hugged and touched as many of Tyler’s things as I can. I have sat and closed my eyes , trying to remember everything. Trying to picture him playing with his little matchbox cars, or lining his beanie babies up in a perfect little row, all in their own little color coded way.  I closed my eyes and tried to remember my boys playing together. Snuggling together and being the best brothers ever.

My heart – heavy but happy…

Box after box was gone through – toys set aside, clothes folded and put into piles, pictures put in a box to sort .  Many MANY tears fell, I had to keep going though – I knew if I stopped it might be a while before I could do this again..  I was ready to have at least part of this behind me.. I will forever hurt – but I wanted my Tyler’s stuff OUT of storage, out of boxes.. I was SO ready

Until..

I opened a box.. THAT box.

I screamed – and started sobbing. There – inside that box was my laptop. The laptop I had during Tyler’s cancer treatment, during his 2 bonemarrow transplants. Through this journey of hell.

The laptop that has been missing – the laptop that has EVERY email update I sent home to family and friends, EVERY picture I took of my boys and our family. EVERY part of that journey was documented on that laptop. Including Tyler’s eulogy. .

I thought it was forever gone. I was sure that someone had stole it – or I had misplaced it.

Honestly, I had no idea what had happened to it -my guess, I truly think that someone packed it away – after Tyler died, thinking they were helping me by packing his stuff for us as we were getting ready to move  from the hospital in Seattle to back home.

My heart – a big huge, ginormous part of my heart is on that computer.. I can’t wait to sit and read each email and look at all the pictures.
That laptop? Is the treasures of my heart.

I miss him everyday.. so so much.

xoxo

*someone (can’t remember who) sent this picture of Tyler to me..it had a halo over his head and that bothered me. The most awesome LeSombre fixed it for me – he’s my HERO of the day! Thank you so very much.

The Silent Grievers

June 30, 2009 Uncategorized, grief, this is me and heart

I have been asked to share this.. This is something that I wrote this earlier in the year for 5 Minutes for Special Needs.

My desire is to have a website/blog for parents to come to and share their grief. Their innermost thoughts, fears, tears and all. Perhaps someday I will follow through with this . I have the vision – but the rest I will need help with. Someday?

When a child passes away, the pain for all is so hard to comprehend, especially for a sibling. We, as parents, have our own grief and our own pain and we tend to not be aware of what our children, the siblings may be feeling.

I know for our family that was very true.

I allowed myself to cry often, wherever and whenever. I would cry in the middle of the grocery store, at a stoplight, in the laundry room. Anywhere. I felt that my emotions and expression of grief should not be hidden and it also showed Zach that it was okay to be upset, mad and have your emotions take over. I also made sure that he saw me laugh and remember his brother in so many ways.

I often wonder if I was a good enough mom to Zach after Tyler passed away. Did I make sure he was okay? Did I answer the questions he had well enough? Could I have done better? Did I comfort him when he needed me? These questions lay upon my heart like a heavy burden.

Our Tyler left us too soon and how could I explain why to Zach when I had NO answers myself? I was so wrapped up in my heartbreak that at times I feel perhaps I could have been better and I feel guilty for this and I hope someday that Zachary will sit and talk with me about it.

We try so hard to bring Zach into our “Remembering Tyler” times. Certainly there are times he will share and there are times he closes up and refuses to share, and that’s acceptable. As he gets older, I believe he will share more and cherish the memories and help us keep them alive. Keep Tyler alive in our hearts and in his heart.

Shortly after Tyler passed away, I was cleaning the boys’ room, washing the walls and picking up toys. Zach came into the room and he instantly started to cry, it stopped me in my tracks as I heard Zach, in a panicked voice scream “Stop, Mom – stop washing Tyler’s fingerprints away!”

My heart sunk and I wrapped my arms around him and let him cry. I am so grateful he stopped me – I was thankful that my son remembered his brother in that manner. The fingerprints of his brother and the peanut butter and jelly gooey mess left on the bunk beds meant EVERYTHING to him. Just as we will always be Tyler’s Mommy and Daddy – Zach will always, ALWAYS be Tyler’s big brother. Nothing ever will take that away from him.

Ever.

Due to the confusion that the loss of their sibling brings, there will be no understanding of why their brother or sister was so quickly taken away from them.

Some ideas to help with the loss of a sibling:

• Do not deny them the opportunity to share. Remember together!

• Do not deny them the opportunity to cry and be mad; allow them to express their feelings just as we do ours.

• Remember to tell them how much their sibling loved them.

• Encourage them to create a memorial for their sibling. A garden memorial, letters, pictures or artwork is a great idea.

• Be honest with them, confusion and grief just don’t mix!

• Give lots and lots of love. They will be anxious and worried about their own life. They may ask “Will I die too”, and other questions that focus on their recent loss.

• Just like there is no time line for our grief, remember it’s the same for children. The roller coaster of grief is overwhelming for all.

Your children are the silent grievers, remember them in this journey.

Thinking about the PuppyMonster and my darlin’ hubz too..

June 21, 2009 grief, i love him, this is me and heart

Father’s Day is a toughie in our house – it’s a day that reminds my sweet husband of mine that there is a little man who won’t be climbing in bed with us in the morning to snuggle – wishing his Daddy a Happy Father’s Day.. and singing at the TOP of his lungs.

I will try to do my very best to make today special. I will kiss my husbands tears away and remind him of the most awesome times as a family! I will remind him that our oldest needs him today too.

I will also be thinking about NYC Watchdog (Poppy too) My heart is with you….