to be that girl

December 30, 2009 The 'Hood

This year I want need to make drastic changes in my life .. No more of these nansypansy changes.  I tend not to follow through with them , I start REALLY strong and then the little flame is blown out for one reason or another.

Honestly, I believe part of it is self control and MOST of  it is fear.  Fear of failing, so why try?  I want to FINALLY overcome that. I need to overcome that in my life, in SO many areas of my life.

I want to return back to “that girl”.. The girl my husband fell in love with, the girl that is STRONG and secure . The girl who strives to make smart choices in life , whether it’s financially or EATING HEALTHY.  I want to be the very best friend, Mother and wife that I can be.

So GOODBYE fear .. goodbye failing.. You’re so 2009.

I will ..  I WILL be that girl. .

xoxo

i have the words..

December 22, 2009 i love him, this is me and heart

the words inside my head and heart are stuck. I feel like I have SO much I need to write about . Death, loss, the holidays – it’s all stuck – just RIGHT there in between  my heart and my mind..

I’m hoping that if I sit long enough it will all just flow out..

xoxo

ps.. isn’t the new look just lovely? Karen from Swank Webstyle and the infamous Shuggypants done did it for me..

Randomness.. part III

October 3, 2009 Uncategorized, internet

Hmm – I think I’ll start something new.  I know, I know – it’s the lazy way to blog ..  However, I’m going to start doing bullet points of my week.

I’ve learned this week that :

• Independence is a good thing. I’m at the point in my life that I will NOT be a follower, just because. I personally find it pathetic to read tweets of from people who just jump on a bandwagon to fit in.  I roll my eyes OFTEN at this.

• It takes more energy to be mad than it does happy.  I’m tired of trying to be super mom,wife,friend..  I’m working on just being happy – and maybe those areas will become more manageable and less heartachey and stressful.

• I’m going to put myself out there more. I’m going to work on more social networking and blogging. I know my experiences with loss and life can be used in a positive way.

• I am going to be true to me.. I’m going to make some life changing decisions soon.

• I need to read more blogs .. Shannon over  at http://bluepaintred.com/ wrote a great post.   I love her honesty..  I want to squish and hug her..

• Writing a post like this is easy.. while there is thought put into it – it’s like a vegetarian of a post – not a lot of meat.. heh.

It looks like I have missed my one year blogging (on this blog, some of you know me from another) anniversary! Happy Anniversary to me! I am SO glad I do have this outlet.. now if I would only use it more..

and.. he left me..

September 29, 2009 marriage

I’ve always been pretty sure about myself – confident and I am usually the “go to person”..

Today though, I am putting one foot in front of the other.. I keep having to remind my self ” left.. right.. left, yep, that’s the way”..

Bobby left today.. He wants to give me time to “think”… And this makes me ANGRY. Why doesn’t he understand – as much as I try to work it out in my head and with him – we are just at a standstill.. Our marriage – at a standstill. I never EVER thought it would come to this.

I don’t feel sure about myself and I sure as hell don’t feel confident.I feel like I’m drowning in a sea of unknown and no matter how hard that I try to grab the life preserver and hold my head above water – I seem to be unable..

not letting me fall..

September 19, 2009 bloggity goodness, this is me and heart

Love this..

Thank you SO much for not letting me fall this week.

Dear Tyler { childhood cancer awareness}

September 8, 2009 cancer awareness, grief

Dear Tyler -

Mommy and Daddy miss you.. We miss our family of four being together..  We miss building legos towns and playing dinosaurs and reading Dr Seuss  “Green Eggs and Ham” over and over and over again with you. Snuggling on the couch just isn’t quite the same anymore..and your butterfly kisses .. oh how they are missed.

This is your “goodbye” month .  Oh sweetheart, It feels like just yesterday  that I kissed you and whispered in your ear, that I would see you again someday in Heaven..

My heart  hurts so bad tonight – not only for the loss of you – but for the loss of  many other children.  Cancer is a big ol’ meanie.. and it just needs to GO away! Remember that story ” Go Away Big Green Monster” ? Well, that’s how Momma feels!

My hopes – little man , is that someday soon they will find a cure for this horrible disease.  Truly – if we can send a man to the moon, why can’t we find a cure?

I will send balloons up to you next week – yellow balloons,  and a purple one for Maddie..

I miss you .. I love you.. and someday I will see you again..

Mommy

Together we CAN do so much – National Childhood Cancer Awareness

August 31, 2009 Uncategorized, cancer awareness, september, this is me and heart

My child was diagnosed at 15 months with leukemia.

My child had 2 bonemarrow transplants

My child fought a hard battle – and sadly lost the battle.

WE CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE.  Kids can not do this alone. Parents can not do this alone.  PLEASE help us advocate for our children.
Cancer knows NO boundaries.

These children deserve a cure – my child deserved a cure – PLEASE help.

Are you wondering just how you can help?

Bring awareness by asking your school to recognize the month of September as National Childhood Cancer Awareness month, wear a gold ribbon, showing your support. Contact the media and encourage them to do a story on cancer awareness.

We can make a difference!

Do it for the children..

Through out this month I will share Tyler’s diagnosis and journey with his battle with cancer. Our families battle with grief..

So long… farewell…

July 30, 2009 i love him, this is me and heart

In just a few short HOURS, our family will be moving across country from Tampa, Florida to just east of Seattle, Washington.

Crazy you say? Well , it’s just about 3200 miles – in a moving van , together ,for 5 days. Indeed , crazy – but very worth it.

Two years ago, our family made the move to Tampa , Florida.  The hubs was offered a fantastic job at a trauma hospital . It was an offer we could not turn down. We packed up and made the big move – across country – seriously. ACROSS . THE. UNITED STATES.

We thought this would be a fantastic move , a fresh start. You see, our family has been dealt a real blow.  Our  youngest son, our sweet little chubby cheeked, smarty pants little man, lost his battle with cancer. The pain from this is hard to put into words – in fact, I don’t believe there are enough words to describe the immense pain a Mommy and Daddy’s heart feels from such a loss.

Sooo, the move was made. The job is and was well worth the move – however, our then 14 year old was miserable. We ripped him ( his words) out of the private school he had been attending from pre-k to half of 8th grade and threw him ( his words, again) into a new school, new people and a new life.

He hated it. He went from our outgoing son to a very unhappy, angry young man. In Washington state he was always the class clown, the popular and fun kid – in Tampa he was silent, made just a few friends and felt like he was not able to fit in.  He tried out for varsity basketball and , thank God – he made the team. Hubs and I were sure that would bring him around.  Even that, the true love of his life ( being basketball) did not do the trick.

This was his freshman year – a crucial year. Right before our eyes , we were losing another child – emotionally. My heart hurt so bad.  I wanted to fix it for him , I wanted to just wrap him into me and hug on him. He wouldn’t  let me near him.. ever.  I don’t think we really had a whole heartfelt conversation that year at all. Seriously. So angry. SO very angry.

Moving fast forward here – the day that his school let out for summer vacation, he went to Washington state on a fishing trip with my husbands family. We had planned on flying up 3 weeks later for the 4th of July weekend to spend time with our Washington family.

I will never forget our son, greeting us at the aiport. NEVER will that image leave my heart.. and mind. He was smiling, and I am talking ear to ear smile. He hugged me.  HE WAS HAPPY TO SEE US!!  I was sobbing on the inside, sobbing from happiness.  Our son was back. My heart was elated.

The first moment alone with my hub , I shared with him and I cried – how could I take our son back to Florida when I saw such a drastic and emotionally crucial difference in him? How could I put him back in a school where he was so angry, so withdrawn? Oh – and SO above, academically. He was an easy grade and a half above his peers. He was doing work he had done previous years.

Our family has been separated – by choice, for a year.  We were SURE that my husband would have been able to relocate within a few months of our son and I moving back “home”.

However, the economy had other plans and we’ve been kept  apart.  Living apart – parenting apart . Difficult yet very worth making the sacrifice for our son.

After many resumes and a few interviews – my husband WILL be relocating back to Washington state. Finally – back together.

I will be blogging our journey – the hotels we stay in and the sites that we see along the way.

3200 miles of a journey, so very worth doing.

sitting down and crying

July 24, 2009 mean people, moving sucks, this is me and heart

Today I just want to sit down and cry.

I was supposed to leave for Florida on Sunday..

Due to a serious scheduling conflict I am not leaving until Wednesday.. LATE Wednesday

and… We are packing the uhaul and heading back to Washington on Thursday morning..

Dealing with the people at www.orbitz.com was HORRIBLE.

I will never use them as an online ticket agent EVER again. DO YOU HEAR ME, ORBITZ? NEVER AGAIN.

They made me cry.. and really? That’s a hard thing to do.

I won’t be able to meet up with  the sweet girls that I had planned on meeting .

I won’t be able to stop in at the school I taught at and catch up with those girls.

I won’t be able to stock up on the yummy cuban food ( nom nom)

Overwhelmed and it sucks.

we be jammin’

July 5, 2009 Uncategorized

I’ve been using pictures lately to show what I have been up to.  Aaaaaaand because I am lazy, I am going to show you what I have been doing today.

For some reason I have turned into Betty Homemaker and I am loving it!

Doesn’t that just look just yummy? Next on my list is peach jam.. Mmm

Stayed tuned for the next version  of Betty Crocker!

xoxoxo