not letting me fall..

September 19, 2009 bloggity goodness, this is me and heart

Love this..

Thank you SO much for not letting me fall this week.

His name is Dave – please support childhood cancer

September 1, 2009 cancer awareness, i love him, september, this is me and heart

His name is Dave.

He dontated HIS bonemarrow

To give our son a chance at life..

Won’t you do that too?  Be The Match

September is National Childhood Cancer Awareness month and I will do everything in my little heart to advocate for children and families who endure this diagnosis.

Please show your support and become a donor..

must you whine so much?

August 19, 2009 duh, internet, my bitchy self, snarky

Seriously -

If you are going to have a blog – don’t whine about people stumbling upon it and reading it.   And by people, I mean the WRONG people. Bosses, ex husbands, CURRENT husbands, families.

I am SO tired of reading people’s crybaby, boohoo whining about being found out. Sweet MOTHER, this is the INTERNET. Google, people – GOOGLE!

Recently, my blog was found and I had to reconsider what I had posted – I dealt with it and moved on.

Yes, it’s a blog and inherently public. Clearly, this is going to eat away at you, so you have to make a decision about how you are going to deal with it, So either delete your blog – make it a password protected blog or just quit yammerin’..

Maybe I’m totally WAY off base here – but uh.. I don’t think so.

So long… farewell…

July 30, 2009 i love him, this is me and heart

In just a few short HOURS, our family will be moving across country from Tampa, Florida to just east of Seattle, Washington.

Crazy you say? Well , it’s just about 3200 miles – in a moving van , together ,for 5 days. Indeed , crazy – but very worth it.

Two years ago, our family made the move to Tampa , Florida.  The hubs was offered a fantastic job at a trauma hospital . It was an offer we could not turn down. We packed up and made the big move – across country – seriously. ACROSS . THE. UNITED STATES.

We thought this would be a fantastic move , a fresh start. You see, our family has been dealt a real blow.  Our  youngest son, our sweet little chubby cheeked, smarty pants little man, lost his battle with cancer. The pain from this is hard to put into words – in fact, I don’t believe there are enough words to describe the immense pain a Mommy and Daddy’s heart feels from such a loss.

Sooo, the move was made. The job is and was well worth the move – however, our then 14 year old was miserable. We ripped him ( his words) out of the private school he had been attending from pre-k to half of 8th grade and threw him ( his words, again) into a new school, new people and a new life.

He hated it. He went from our outgoing son to a very unhappy, angry young man. In Washington state he was always the class clown, the popular and fun kid – in Tampa he was silent, made just a few friends and felt like he was not able to fit in.  He tried out for varsity basketball and , thank God – he made the team. Hubs and I were sure that would bring him around.  Even that, the true love of his life ( being basketball) did not do the trick.

This was his freshman year – a crucial year. Right before our eyes , we were losing another child – emotionally. My heart hurt so bad.  I wanted to fix it for him , I wanted to just wrap him into me and hug on him. He wouldn’t  let me near him.. ever.  I don’t think we really had a whole heartfelt conversation that year at all. Seriously. So angry. SO very angry.

Moving fast forward here – the day that his school let out for summer vacation, he went to Washington state on a fishing trip with my husbands family. We had planned on flying up 3 weeks later for the 4th of July weekend to spend time with our Washington family.

I will never forget our son, greeting us at the aiport. NEVER will that image leave my heart.. and mind. He was smiling, and I am talking ear to ear smile. He hugged me.  HE WAS HAPPY TO SEE US!!  I was sobbing on the inside, sobbing from happiness.  Our son was back. My heart was elated.

The first moment alone with my hub , I shared with him and I cried – how could I take our son back to Florida when I saw such a drastic and emotionally crucial difference in him? How could I put him back in a school where he was so angry, so withdrawn? Oh – and SO above, academically. He was an easy grade and a half above his peers. He was doing work he had done previous years.

Our family has been separated – by choice, for a year.  We were SURE that my husband would have been able to relocate within a few months of our son and I moving back “home”.

However, the economy had other plans and we’ve been kept  apart.  Living apart – parenting apart . Difficult yet very worth making the sacrifice for our son.

After many resumes and a few interviews – my husband WILL be relocating back to Washington state. Finally – back together.

I will be blogging our journey – the hotels we stay in and the sites that we see along the way.

3200 miles of a journey, so very worth doing.

the treasures of my heart

July 7, 2009 grief, i love him, this is me and heart

This week has been a bit difficult for me. I have finally decided to go through Tyler’s things.  His toys, his clothes – his everything. I went into this with a heavy heart, fearful of what I might find.

Our Tyler was a collector, he loved his matchbox cars and his beanie babies, he loved to collect the little things and put them in his pockets or his backpack.  And of course, we gave into him, I believe he had just about every beanie baby possible and believe me, he would put every one either at the foot of his bed or in his backpack.  I do believe he would be a little packrat to this day- if it wasn’t for being in Heaven.

Over the last 2 days, I have hugged and touched as many of Tyler’s things as I can. I have sat and closed my eyes , trying to remember everything. Trying to picture him playing with his little matchbox cars, or lining his beanie babies up in a perfect little row, all in their own little color coded way.  I closed my eyes and tried to remember my boys playing together. Snuggling together and being the best brothers ever.

My heart – heavy but happy…

Box after box was gone through – toys set aside, clothes folded and put into piles, pictures put in a box to sort .  Many MANY tears fell, I had to keep going though – I knew if I stopped it might be a while before I could do this again..  I was ready to have at least part of this behind me.. I will forever hurt – but I wanted my Tyler’s stuff OUT of storage, out of boxes.. I was SO ready

Until..

I opened a box.. THAT box.

I screamed – and started sobbing. There – inside that box was my laptop. The laptop I had during Tyler’s cancer treatment, during his 2 bonemarrow transplants. Through this journey of hell.

The laptop that has been missing – the laptop that has EVERY email update I sent home to family and friends, EVERY picture I took of my boys and our family. EVERY part of that journey was documented on that laptop. Including Tyler’s eulogy. .

I thought it was forever gone. I was sure that someone had stole it – or I had misplaced it.

Honestly, I had no idea what had happened to it -my guess, I truly think that someone packed it away – after Tyler died, thinking they were helping me by packing his stuff for us as we were getting ready to move  from the hospital in Seattle to back home.

My heart – a big huge, ginormous part of my heart is on that computer.. I can’t wait to sit and read each email and look at all the pictures.
That laptop? Is the treasures of my heart.

I miss him everyday.. so so much.

xoxo

*someone (can’t remember who) sent this picture of Tyler to me..it had a halo over his head and that bothered me. The most awesome LeSombre fixed it for me – he’s my HERO of the day! Thank you so very much.

we be jammin’

July 5, 2009 Uncategorized

I’ve been using pictures lately to show what I have been up to.  Aaaaaaand because I am lazy, I am going to show you what I have been doing today.

For some reason I have turned into Betty Homemaker and I am loving it!

Doesn’t that just look just yummy? Next on my list is peach jam.. Mmm

Stayed tuned for the next version  of Betty Crocker!

xoxoxo

Weekend of goodbyes

June 27, 2009 i love him, this is me and heart

Well.. in just 24 hours I will be leaving to take the hubs to Seattle – he flies out early monday morning. Back to Florida he goes, for another month and then BACK HOME, baby!

Goodbyes suck… Yes, I’m a big girl. And yes, I’ll be okay. But in the meantime, it sucks.

I’ll post again after I stop being such a blubbering  mess..

xoxoxo

Happy Happy Heart

June 26, 2009 i love him, this is me and heart

The end of July  – my sweet hubs is moving from here

Back home to here.. Finally. A year living apart SUCKED. Badly.

My heart? It’s a happy one..

Hope

June 25, 2009 Uncategorized, this is me and heart

Yesterday I was in a bit of a emotional blah.. and a sweet SWEET friend sent me a message – simple, yet spoke volumes.

Trust. Believe. Hope.

Today, I am trying to do that..

Thank you SO much , Shash.. xoxoxo

simple.. yet, not so much

June 24, 2009 this is me and heart

Today we are out of town. A life changing decision is happening.. I am hoping to be able to have answers , if not today – by the weekend..

xoxoxo